A year ago tomorrow, the 19th. of march 2007, I lost my best friend of 10yrs to what I shall simply call an aneurysm. Tomorrow the 19th of march 2008 my other best friend goes in for brain surgery to remove a massive brain tumor. I have a HORID cold and Morning noon and night sickness. Family is causing major grief over who gets us for Easter. Logan won't stay out of trouble at school. I have no idea whats going on with Drew thanks to his dad and his dads GF. Mason won't sleep at night no matter what I do. I...just...want to die. I can't take anymore. I can't give anymore. I feel used up and flat. empty. lost. hopeless. petty. selfish. weak. worthless.

Isn't it amazing how you can be dissapointed to the point of massive depression even if you know better then to expect otherwise? I know my Dad is unreliable and dissmisive, even at fifty he acts like he is 21 (only that old because he is for sure old enough to get into bars, and does regularly.)He was supposed to visit us this morning and I can't get him on the phone even. He promissed he would get me a new pair of glasses for christmas, HIS offer, I did't ask for it. I just wish he would act like a Dad, you know. I KNOW BETTER! this has been going on for 10 damn years. He does something, I get hurt, we don't talk for a few weeks/months, I forgive, we talk, REPEAT! When the hell will I learn not to take his word to heart? He is not capable of behaving in a fatherly fasion. He is far to busy with his five girlfriends to have time for familly. (I am acctually not exagerating here he has five.) To hell with it I am shutting up

Why do they call it PANTS? Even more why do we call it a PAIR of pants? Is each leg a pant? If so why do we say "a pant leg" instead of just "a pant"? For that matter why "Pant" at all? Just wondered.

BUH-BYE

Bears and Elmo, how gravy can it get?

I Have to say that things are all right right now. ( Here's the scoop )

My sons birth, visiting my mom, Syd getting me roses for no reason.

I'd have to say Counting Crows. Depressing music a bit but great sound and matched my mood.

As you all know Mason is now about 3.5 months old. I haven't had a good nights sleep in around six months! I have taken to buying 5 hr energy drinks 9 packs of 2 at a time. The second to last time I did this the clerk at Walgreen's (they are having a buy two get one free deal) asked me if they work. After blinking at him for a moment (I just bought 18 bottles you idiot what do you think?) I informed him of my sleep situation and further noted that if it were not for 5 hr I would be unable to move much of the time. YAYYYY (sarcasm) for sounding like a commercial but for heavens sake if it works this well you have to spread the word. I have tried Monster, Vault, Red Bull, Red Line, you name it I have most likely tried it. I like 5 Hr the best. YAYYYYYY (not sarcasm) for functionality!

Time does not bring relief

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.


Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)

I know it has been a few months but every once in a while it hits me fresh that he is gone. I still pick up the phone to call him. I still see him in dreams, often. I still start crying out of nowhere, when I realize anew that he is never coming back. How long before I will start to heal? How long before I can cope? God Will, I miss you so damn much. I wish you could be here to hug your son. I wish Mason could know you. I didn't realize how much I took having you here for granted. I want you back with us.

LOL. I know, I never post any more. things have been.... crazy, this year. In the last 12 months we have had three funerals (two of them close family deaths)and a birth.

Mason is now over two months old! He is a sweet little guy. He is smiling now like an old pro. He is starting to control his little fists. Poor little fella had his two month shots yesterday and was a little trooper about it. Not a single wail for either needle! He felt so bad later however, that he was inconsolable for an hr and a half till his Daddy went to get him infant Tylenol.

Logan Starts third grade soon and Drew Starts first grade. They grow so fast! It feels like just yesterday that I held them as I hold little Mason now. I love our newish home and neighborhood. We now live in two flat in a safe area surrounded by children for my big boys to play with. I am starting to get to know the parents as well which is nice. Best of all THEY ALL SPEAK ENGLISH! Hahah.

We had to get rid of two of our cats. Four is just too much. We only had them outnumbered by one! Taz and Ghost seem to be happier as well. More attention to go around I guess. I am still rearranging things, trying to find the best way to fit everything in without being cluttered. It is getting there.

Well, if you bothered to read this whole long boring post, thanks! I will leave you to your Internet meanderings now and wish you a great day, or night as the case might be.

Love and best wishes to all!

Stolen from www.Jumbojoke.com too funny even if inaccurate.

When You Find Out
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Sure, boys can wear pink.

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifiers
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the he pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and to the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood spraying.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Photography
1st baby: You take photos of every milestone in the baby's life, including spitting up, skinned knees, meeting grandma, and more.
2nd baby: You try to take photos at least once a year.
3rd baby: He looks enough like his brother that taking photos is redundant.

As my DH has apparently told most of you I have not yet delivered my tiny bit of love. I have however been having labor pains for almost a month now. It has gotten to the point that I want to cry all the time, both from the pain and the anticipation of the pain. The doc said its no biggie, just take Tylenol to help sleep. I never sleep more then 20-30 mins at a time. I can't think, can't sleep, can't concentrate on anything. just hurt. You know? I am looking FORWARD to that hysterectomy. YAYYYYY HYSTERECTOMY!!!!!

...makes a pregnant woman cry (who just got out of the hospital may I add due to baby scare?) and then laughs at her? My former landlord did. Due to sub zero (after wind chill) temps, and lack of work due to that, we are unable to pay our last months rent as fast as we would like. We are 10 days late and he tells us, "pay today or get evicted". We gave him a "Notice of intent to vacate" in PLENTY of time, told him to keep the deposit AND found him another tenant to take our place and are expediting our leave taking to ensure that he has minimal losses, but he feels it is OK to call me and cuss me out call me a bitch when I tell him he needs to talk to Sid because I can't talk to him (stress is a BIG no no for me right now, Docs orders) and laugh at me when I get so upset that I start to cry. He knows my situation. He knows that this is a high risk pregnancy and that stress can put me back in the hospital. He doesn't care. I feel sick now.

Gentle friends, as you are aware we are soon to have an edition to our little familly. If you percive a familly of five to be little that is. Baby makes three indeed, in our case however, it is three sons of which we speak. This would lead one to understand that a two bedroom apatment is no longer able to contain us with any mesure of comfort. We need an alternative, so we found one.

This thing we find is a cramped and miserable little house for rent in Robbins IL. that could easily fit into our two bedroom apartment with room to spare. The fact that it included a garage made up for a lot, as well as the washer and dryer. We then procede to inform the imediate familly of our charming find, along with the classic plea for help relocating that all who have experienced a move have had to render. Unless that is, they have an unlimited funds or grown sons, which we will have a few years yet to forbear untill either come to pass.

This petition for assistance renders more help then we had bargined for when my sister-in-law informed us of the impending vacancy in the two flat in which she resides. We view the place find it vastly more to our liking and shall begin movin in on the fifteenth of febuary. It is an adoable three bedroom with a spatious kitchen, ample little boy space, a roomy area for a nursery, and much closet space. It includes a fenced in back yard with a large deck, and is in a Fantastic school sistem. The elementary school recived a rating of 8 from greatschools.com. Needless to say we are enormusly pleased and are looking forward to living in Tinley park.

BEARS ARE GOING TO MIAMI!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOUT DAMN TIME!

Yes, I know. I havent posted much of late. I am bad bad girl. Between being sick all the time, life in general, and the holidays I just didn't have the energy. I hope this makes up for it some!